thoughts

I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head and I just needed to get them out there...

I have always felt behind when it comes to life progression. I didn't get married like most of my friends until after the age of 25. Most of my friends were married early on and while I think this is awesome for them it always left me feeling behind...I wasn't married and I felt like I couldn't really progress in life because that was the next step...while I was so happy for everyone else I couldn't help but be sad for myself because truly being single is really not as fun as it seems. Yes, it was nice to only be thinking of myself and to do whatever I wanted without having to worry about another person...but honestly it was super lonely and I always craved companionship.
Now I am finally married--and let me tell you it is 10x better than being single. I wouldn't trade being married for anything. I can't imagine my life without Josh and I truly feel like we have been married for A LOT longer than we actually have. It might be because we dated for a year before marriage...but honestly I don't like picturing my life without Josh. He makes me so happy, he lights up my day, he makes me feel like the best person in the world...I really and seriously feel like I would be lost without him. It doesn't bother me that I have to share everything--it is natural, it feels like this is always how it should be--Josh literally feels like another part of me and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But I remember after we got married I thought to myself "we need to buy a house" because I swear every single person and their dog were building their own homes in Utah or buying homes in Utah and honestly I was like "what the crap is going on here!?" Why are all these people who are like 7 years younger than me buying homes?! How is that fair?? I am almost 27 and I JUST got married obviously I need to buy a house like tomorrow.
That wasn't realistic. Even though Josh and I are older, we are living in California in one of the most expensive cities in the US and even if we wanted to buy a home it would probably end up being a condo or townhome and it would be about 10x more expensive than buying a house with a yard and a 3 car garage in Utah. Financially, we just aren't in a place right now where we could buy a house. Our studio apartment that was about 500 square feet in total was more than my friend in Utah who had a three bedroom condo. All I am saying is...I thought that had to be our next step but it really doesn't have to be. I just need to stop comparing myself to other people and recognize that we are doing awesome for where we are right now. I mean we have only been married for 8 months, we really are okay where we are right now.

Something that I am excited about for our life right now is that I am pregnant. This wasn't something I thought was going to happen until after at least a year of marriage--but I can honestly say that Heavenly Father had different plans for us. I went into our marriage thinking lets get married be married for awhile and then we can start a family and have kids. Well, after some spiritual experiences and after prayer and talking about it a lot, we decided that we really needed to have kids now and not wait. Why? I do not know? But all I can say is that I feel super blessed that we are able to have kids and that it went fairly smoothly in getting pregnant--it was a little scary at first when I didn't get pregnant right away, but it happened and I am honestly still not really sure it has sunk in that I have a human inside of me right now that is growing and developing and going to be MY BABY. It is a weird thing.

What I love about life is that everyone has their own thing going on and Heavenly Father has His own plan for everyone and not every single persons plan is the same. I tend to follow these people on blogs and instagram whos lives just seem to be so magical and they all seem to be so similar and they all seem to have it all together and they have it all figured out and I just sit here and think "why can't I be more like them" and then I realize once again that I am comparing my life to someone elses and that isn't fair. I need to embrace that we are all different and have different things going on right now. It shouldn't matter that so and so who is 5 years younger than me travels the world with her husband and children and that they built their own home and seem to have this amazing life because I am sure that that person has their insecurities and has their wants and desires just like I do.

I know that someday I will have my own home and that I will have three kids and a life that seems to be seamless and wonderful--but I am sure that I will still have my insecurities and desires and that I will always be looking at someone else assuming that they have it more together than I do.


Okay I want to talk about being pregnant for a second:

Being pregnant is weird. It is crazy. It is like nuts that my body is just doing this thing literally by itself and I don't have to think about it and it is happening. It is so cool and magical and literally insane.

I just started feeling the baby really start kicking about two weeks ago now? Maybe three? But that has really started to make this whole experience feel more real. He will start to kick and I forget that there is a baby inside of me and I will be like "what the heck body, what are you doing?" and then I remember that there is a human inside of me and then it kind of makes me smile because I think he is just reminding me that he is there.

Babies kicking inside of you---HOLY MOLY this is weird. I am going to try to explain it in a couple of different ways.
It kind of feels like after you have been working out really hard or doing something that gets your heart pumping and then you lay down and can feel your heart beating really hard against your chest--take that feeling and put it by your stomach and that is pretty much what a baby kicking feels like. It also feels a little bit like my stomach growling without it being in my stomach or like I have to fart and am keeping it inside---hahaha I dunno it just is a pretty cool thing feeling this alien baby inside of you. It is hard to describe but those are all the best way I can think of.

I think I had a pretty easy first trimester--the biggest thing for me was not having an appetite and being so crazy tired that all I wanted to do was sit in bed and sleep all day and all night. I would get hungry and nothing would sound good and then if I did find something that sounded good, I would get it and the smell would make me want to puke. That was the biggest thing I noticed about the first couple of months of pregnancy. I didn't really feel like I was pregnant, I just felt like I was sick and like I wasn't fully able to get over it. I honestly would forget I was pregnant all the time. I wasn't showing like some girls do and we weren't telling anyone that we were pregnant so it just would slip my mind until Josh would bring it up or something.

Fast forward to now, I am in the second trimester and I feel great. Yes, I am tired but it isn't like it was the first trimester. I feel like I have energy and like I want to go out and do things. I have my appetite back and I just want to eat all the time. I mostly crave salty things--I can literally down a bag of chips in one sitting by myself...it is pretty bad. But I haven't really felt pregnant and I feel like I kept forgetting that I am having a baby until pretty much this last week.
I am in week 21 which is about 5 months along in my pregnancy (ps using weeks is such a pregnant thing to do--but everyone (including doctors) uses the week method so I obviously started using it--never thought I would be like that, but it does make it sound like you have made it a lot further than you really have) and I have finally developed more of a belly. At first, I was so peeved because I saw these girls who were less pregnant than me and they all started showing at like 11 or 12 weeks (2 1/2 months) and I just didn't understand why I wasn't showing. I think that is partly why I didn't really feel pregnant because it just looked like I had gained some weight and was fat but not pregnant. I seriously think to myself all the time--if I am going to be pregnant I want to LOOK pregnant. I want people to look at me and have it be obvious that "oh that girl is having a baby" not "that girl is fat". I think it is because I am tall and have big hips which I suppose is a blessing?? But seriously, I haven't really felt pregnant until this week.

I now feel the baby move more regularly, I have a pregnant belly, I have had to buy some pregnancy clothes because literally none of my pants fit me anymore and I was using rubber bands to keep the top from being wide open. I have started to develop back pain (not so fun). We finally found out the gender of the baby (its a boy btw). And that all has contributed to me actually feeling pregnant. It makes me happy to finally be experiencing all of these things that I have seen so many other women experience. I finally feel like I am in the club and that I get it now (well I feel like I get some things). It is like when you get to go through the temple for the first time and you come out and you feel like you are part of the club because you know...and you get to wear gs...and you can be like "yeah, I can go in there..." thats pretty much how I feel about being pregnant.

I have heard that the second trimester is the best out of all three. So we shall see how it continues to progress. The weird thing is thinking that I only have 4 more months of being pregnant...Josh brought that up the other day and that was weird. I was like "wait what? only 4 months? I am only 21 weeks---there are like a zillion more weeks left before the baby is born!" But that was kind of a reality check that in four months I am going to be a mom and responsible for another human and I know that my whole world is going to be rocked. In a good way of course, but in a way I hope that I am prepared for. That is the scary thing--not being sure if I am really ready to be a mom. It is kind of like "well, the baby is coming and so you kind of need to be ready for that" but it honestly hasn't really started sinking in until this week...crazy stuff.


I have landmarks that I am currently using to get through the days and weeks leading up to the baby being born. Also, sometimes I just need landmarks in my everyday life because I am sick of work and I want to just do nothing all the time...but here are my next upcoming landmarks:

This weekend! Yay for memorial day! Josh and I are going down to Monterey with his family for the weekend. We leave tomorrow and I cannot be more thrilled to get away for a long weekend. No work=hallelujah!

July 4th--I just love this holiday and can't wait to do the summer things like fireworks, corn on the cob, swimming, state fairs, county fairs, the whole enchilada.

July 12th--this is when DIANA GETS HOME FROM HER MISSION!!! AHHH, words cannot express how excited I am to have my sister get home. I have missed her sooo unbelievably much, it is going to be wonderful to have her be in the same country with me again--also being able to talk to her on the phone/text/snap chat is going to be glorious.

August 5th--this is when CLAYTON GETS HOME FROM HIS MISSION!!! AHHHH, It has been WAY TOO LONG!! Finally, we will all be home again and I cannot wait for this dude to get back here. He will finally be able to meet Josh and both he and Di will get a chance to see me pregnant for a little bit.

September 5th is Labor Day weekend which is going to be nice to have a three day weekend.

October 3rd--BABY IS DUE.

October 17th--year anniversary.

Pretty exciting! I really need landmarks to get me through the tough times you know? I swear the year is just passing by so quickly and sometimes it is like "where did that month even go?" I suppose that it just part of getting older.

If you made it all the way through this post--congrats. This was very jumbled and random and I salute you for having the gusto to make it to the end.

Until next time....here is a picture of my life as of late:

Yes, I now classify as a "Priority Seater" because I am pregnant. Aren't I special? :D