'Shouldn't I be married?' 'Shouldn't I already have a job lined up?' 'Shouldn't I be more excited at the whole idea of being free from school?' 'Shouldn't I be caring more about this last semesters school work?'
Even though I am terribly excited to finally be done and move on with my life like so many of my friends, at the same time I am terrified.
Nothing is ever easy for me. Today some of my roommates were talking to me about why I don't date and the conclusion was that I am too successful and intimidating. I couldn't help but think to myself, "what the heck? Am I supposed to dumb myself down? Am I supposed to stop trying for the things I want? It isn't like my life is a cake-walk...I work freaking hard for the things that I currently have achieved in my life and I am proud of myself, should I not be?"
On top of nothing being easy I am extremely unlucky. I swear I am like Chris Pine or Lindsay Lohan in that movie of theirs Just My Luck. If there is even a shadow of hope it is over-ruled by my unlucky self. Okay, that might be a little over-dramatic, but I really am sadly unlucky.
Anyway, back to the original point...I am so excited to be done, but terrified at the same time. I feel like it has been so easy for some of my friends. Fortunately for them they were married or they had jobs or they had things lined up for them because they knew people, and here I am with no connections, not married, and no job for after graduation. Yikes! I refuse to be part of that statistic of un-employed graduates who sit at home all day, work part-time at McDonalds, and do nothing with their lives. No way jose. Not this girl.
Another set back is how I have so many hopes and dreams but have no idea how to accomplish them all. A huge part of that is due to the fact that I don't have a lot of money (I hate that is the reason that holds me back from so many things) but really, I don't know how some people do it? They travel all over the world, they meet all kinds of people, they influence others...I just dream of being THAT person.
I guess life wouldn't be life if there weren't times that were low and times that were high. This definitely wasn't set out to be a "woe is me" post because I truly am happy with my life, but these are just the thoughts that have been on my mind as of late.
Also, it is only the 3rd week of school and I already don't care to do homework anymore. I still go to class because that is fun, but seriously no desire to do what is required of me. Sad day. I was so stoked to come back into the "school" lifestyle...I guess I was playing it up more in my head. Another sad thing is because I have been in college since 2007 almost every single one of my friends are not here anymore. I literally know four people besides my sister. It is tragic. Thank heavens I served a mission with some people who now attend this university or else I would have zero friends going to school here.
I do love that I am a TA for the humanities department and that I get to spend most days with my favorite humans on earth. They truly inspire me to be that well-rounded, well-educated being that I yearn to be most days. I couldn't have asked for a better job.
I anxiously await December 20, 2013. It will come faster than I even know, so I better be prepared. I will finally have to put on my big-girl pants and do something that will lead my life in the way Heavenly Father wants it to go. Thank heavens I have Him to rely on.
The grass is always greener right? I know it's easier said than done.. I need to tell myself this every day, but everyone has their problems. From the outside it may seem like people have perfect lives and everything they want, but they don't. Don't lose hope! You are still young and have so much life ahead of you. You are about to get a degree and that's awesome! Plus.. you have "senioritis!" I know my last semester I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I was done. You're not alone. Keep you're head up, times are hard but things will line up in the end. I know it! =]
ReplyDeleteIf it helps at all Alyssa, I am in the exact same boat as you. I'm graduating this semester and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, let alone where I am going to live. Dating is a mystery to me as well. I go on dates, but I just never seem to feel like they are with the right guy. Also, a lot of my college friends have gotten married, but I find that I've been able to make a lot of really good new friends. I think my mission really helped me to do that, so I would encourage you to do that as well. It has definitely helped me. Sorry that this is a long response, but I believe that we can both figure out life, one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself. You are young and there is a world out there for you discover. You have confidence which so many young women don't have so you will be able to go anywhere and meet people. You will meet new people now at your new job (you can take that worry off your list "} )and in your new ward. You are awesome and will meet someone. Love ya.
ReplyDeleteSister Watson